


Think About It

by sovi



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, au where the discovery and burnham were able to come back, micheal and tilly are mentioned, minor OC character death, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 01:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19861159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sovi/pseuds/sovi
Summary: "The Observation Deck is cold when Spock enters, the swish of the automated door disrupting the chilly silence within. Spock’s eyes follow the flow of the gentle white light streaming in, illuminating the Deck’s carpet in swaths to it’s source- a large window giving way to the quiet stars zooming by, and the Captain gazing stonily through it."Jim feels guilty over the loss of two crewman. Spock gives him advice.





	Think About It

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to "Guilt" by Mountain Man before you read this!  
> https://youtu.be/wXvNDcKJSrE  
> You can read it as Spock singing or speaking, either way doesn't really make a difference.  
> tw for minor oc character death and mentions of religion.  
> My first ever fic for Star Trek/Spirk.  
> Enjoy!

The Observation Deck is cold when Spock enters, the swish of the automated door disrupting the chilly silence within. Spock’s eyes follow the flow of the gentle white light streaming in, illuminating the Deck’s carpet in swaths to it’s source- a large window giving way to the quiet stars zooming by, and the Captain gazing stonily through it. 

Spock steps towards him gracefully, keeping an eye on the man who doesn’t turn, but continues to stare out at the stars in deep contemplation. Kirk still doesn’t move, not even when Spock comes to stand on his left side, their elbows close together on the railing. Spock's hands come to rest on the cool metal, an imperceptible chill running through him. 

"Captain," Spock greets quietly, and says nothing more. 

Kirk utters nothing but a sigh, the only indication he heard his First Officer. His hands come together in front of him, grasping past the railing. Kirk presses his palms together, fingers curling and uncurling, and from four years of service with him Spock knows he is formulating a reply. He waits patiently, not wanting to disturb the thought process, as he knows the Captain is disturbed, himself. 

"I could have saved them, Spock," Kirk mutters miserably. 

Spock glances at him from the corner of his eye and keeps him in his periphery, eyebrows furrowing slightly. 

"I could have saved them both," Kirk continues. "What am I going to tell their families? Montemerano was so young, only 23. And Reynolds was looking forward to shore leave next month- she was going to propose to her girlfriend." Kirk shakes his head and looks down. "Did you know they’d been together for the entirety of the mission, Spock? Four years of a relationship. Gone, in the blink of an eye, all because I concentrated shields to the front."

Spock tampers down quickly his feelings of sadness and shock. For a considerable amount of time he had been analyzing his relationship with the Captain, and the news of a relationship as strong as Reynolds's being ended by outside forces leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. What would he do if that happened to the Captain? Four years of friendship, ripped away by the ravages of space. Four years of watching Kirk from the corner of his eye, admiring his command abilities, and pretending he was nothing more than a friend. 

Spock blinks quickly and concentrates on the conversation at hand. More important then his feelings at the moment were his Captain's. Spock could not stand to witness Kirk in such a hopeless state, and felt strongly the need to help.

"Captain," he says levelly, "Your despondency towards Lieutenants Montemerano and Reynolds’s unfortunate deaths is justifiable. What I cannot comprehend, however, is your assuredness that their deaths were evitable. You could not have predicted the Romulan’s ambush while our shields were down, nor could you have predicted the need to concentrate shields to the front, leaving the aft of the Enterprise open to attack. It is not your fault a second Romulan ship decloaked and fired from behind, nor is the hull breach any fault of yours. Your desire to take responsibility over a situation you had limited control over is simply…"

"Illogical," they say simultaneously, Kirk mirthlessly and Spock toneless. 

Spock quirks an eyebrow. 

"Indeed."

"There’s no logic to it, Spock. Two people are dead because of my decisions, and two families heart’s broken. The simple truth of it is that if I’d have thought quicker, thought smarter, used more of your logic, I might’ve been able to guess another ship would pop up. I mean, how many times have we fought the Romulans and they hadn’t been in pairs?"

Spock opens his mouth to reply, 'three times out of eleven' , when Kirk waves a hand up and places his fingers over his temple. 

"I don’t need the statistic, I know you know it," Jim sighs, staring at the passing stars with tired eyes and rubbing his forehead where a headache has no doubt appeared. "I just wish there was something more I could have done. Something else I could tell their families other than 'I’m sorry, it was a stupid, avoidable accident.'"

Jim chuckles without humor, turning to face Spock. "I just don’t get it. If there really is a God like Bones insists, one with some great plan, how does this tie into it? What makes my life any more important than theirs?" 

Spock watches as Jim’s face contorts ever so slightly, eyebrows turning up and smile faltering, fingers never leaving his aching left temple. His eyes become glassy and he looks towards the floor, but glances up again when Spock reaches to pull his hand away from his face. Spock's fingers itch to initiate a mind meld and ease his pain, but for now he settles for the flow of warmth where his fingers hold Jim's wrist. 

"Jim," Spock says softly, "I would like to share with you the words that were spoken to me at a time I had experienced a predicament not dissimilar to your own."

"Shoot," Jim says, eyes wandering for a moment to his wrist in Spock’s hand, to the warmth that might be from Spock's body heat, or something else entirely.

Spock ignores the slang terminology and nods, baritone voice articulating every letter perfectly,

"You can think about it. You can think about it all the time, and all the ways you would have changed what you said, or did, or tried.

You can think about it, and be mean to your insides, and forget that you were ten or twelve or even twenty five.

Or it can just be something that happened that way, that makes you who you are today,

And it hurts, but that’s alright."

Jim searches Spock’s eyes in quiet wonderment.

"That’s beautiful, Spock. Who told you that?"

Spock's eyes become fond with remembrance as he looks down into Jim's and replies,

"My older sister, Micheal, when my pet sehlat I’Chaya died protecting me. I was seven years old, and had not yet mastered control over my emotions. As such I was reasonably distraught. Apparently the words are lyrics to a song from Earth, circa 2018."

Jim’s expression morphs to one of confusion, eyebrows furrowed and lips parted in unspoken questions. Spock speaks before Jim has the chance to formulate a full sentence. 

"Mich-"

"In answer to your query, Micheal is my adopted sister. She is First Officer aboard the Starship Discovery, serving alongside Captain Tilly. You made her acquaintance approximately 2.3 months ago on Earth for-" 

"Admiral Rahal’s promotion, yes, I remember,” Jim interrupts. “I just didn’t realize that Micheal Burnham, mutineer and defeater of Control, was your sister. Why didn’t you tell me that when you introduced me?"

Spock tilts his head to the side, not unlike a puppy wishing to comprehend a new sound. Jim sighs out of his nose and looks to the ceiling. 

"Yeah, in hindsight I guess I should’ve assumed something like that when you guys appeared so buddy-buddy. Bones thought she was an old girlfriend or something."

At this, Spock’s eyebrows raise quickly.

"I… did not think it pertinent information," he says. "In the future I will attempt to be more… transparent, in order to avoid further misunderstanding."

Jim chuckles, and this time the sound is one of amusement. 

"That’s okay, Spock." he says. "She spoke very highly of you, y’know. Says you’re one of the smartest commanders in the fleet, and I’m lucky to have you. I’m inclined to agree."

Spock’s eye’s crinkle almost imperceptibly, and his lips quirk up at the side. It would be impossible to pinpoint if the receiver of the expression had not been his closest friend for four years.

"I should like to speak highly of her as well, if given the opportunity."

Jim smiles knowingly, a small thing starting at the corners of his mouth then spreading quickly to his clever green eyes. 

"Well, Spock, I’ll give you the opportunity right now. Care to join me for a game of chess?"

Spock nods, then says, "I would be honored, Jim," and although he longs for the opposite, releases his gentle hold on Jim's wrist. 

Jim gestures out with his arm, and they step towards the door, side by side, knuckles occasionally brushing, warmth blooming between them when they do. 

"By the way…" Jim starts, a mischievous look on his face, "you might regret telling me Commander Burnham’s your sister. Now I can ask her for all your embarrassing childhood stories, and you can’t do anything about it." 

"Vulcans do not feel embarrassment, Jim," Spock admonishes with a mock-stern expression, and if anyone would have been on the Observation Deck that night, they might not have noticed the Commander’s jovial tone, but they would have noticed the Captain’s mirthful laugh, one that carried through the corridor towards the turbolift, and towards whatever challenge next awaited them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!! Hope u liked it !!!  
> Let me know if u wanna read more!  
> tumblr is crytiptid :)


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